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November 21st, 2008

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October 29th, 2008

09:17 pm - I'm in love (again)... and NaNo is here again! <3 I'm in love again. So soon, I know, but I've been in love with this guy for a while, I've just never admitted it. And now I am. I'm in love with him. I'm just happy that no one at school knows who he is and will NEVER know. Ah, blessed peace. =) I have NaNoWriMo starting in three days. That's National Novel Writing Month for all of you who DON'T know. And it's an AMAZING experience, complete with "fives that are highed" (courtesy of: Chris Baty, creator of NaNo), and crazy characters! :) I personally cannot WAIT!!! ............... ......... ......I....... .......L.................. .........O.................... ...........V...................... .............E.......................... ...............N............................... .................A................................... ...................N........................................ .....................O........................................... .......................!.............................................. The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is reliving every single moment I spent of first semester treating Austin like a god, and every single BREATH I took while falling in love with Jonny for two years (on Nov. 4th it'll be two years since I started liking him, January 26 takes the coveted spot of being the actual DAY that I knew beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt that I was head-over-heels in love with him) Yay me. Note the sarcasm. I hate that little bitch. All while NOT fixing my issues with Blake for three years of endless pain and blood and tears. I hate myself for that, trust me, I really do because SO MUCH could've been avoided if I had... like even starting to TALK to Jonny... and Austin, now that I think about it. Oh well, at least we're friends now. So, YAY for getting to re-"fall in love" with two of the most influential boys in my life and simultaneously hate/deny my platonic love for one. -sigh- Oh the JOYS of writing a fiction/memoir on high school. This one will be called TAINTED PERFECTION and will chronicle the events of sophomore year as well as I can write them, all while adding in the incredible, breath-taking wild-fire of love between Danny and Katie! =) SO EXCITED! ................ ................. .................. ................... .................... ..................... ...................... ....................... ........................ ......................... .......................... ........................... ........................... ......................i....... ....................heart..... ....................NATIONAL.. ....................NOVEL..... ....................WRITING... ....................MONTH..... ............................. ............................ ........................... .......................... ......................... ........................ ....................... ...................... ..................... .................... ................... .i................. ..l............... ...o............. ....v........... .....e......... ......y....... .......o..... ........u... .......s... ......o... .....m... ....u... ...c.. ..h.. .!.. !.. .. . Current Location: falling in love with you Current Mood: artistic Current Music: Come On - Ben Jelen Tags: love life nanowrimo tainted perfection

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March 15th, 2008

10:24 pm - Cat and Mouse(The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) So... sorry I haven't updated in forever, life's been really stressful for a while. I lost my best friend a few weeks ago and I'm still reeling from that. No, she didn't DIE, we're just not... whatever anymore. And it's not like I expect her to pay attention to me 24/7, I don't, at all, it's just that we NEVER talk anymore, EVER and I hate that. I know it's partially my fault though, because when I see her I don't really talk to her, it's just that I have no idea what to say. When she gets to school she's immediately swarmed by, well, EVERYONE and I'm just hanging back b/c I don't want to just be another one of the swarm, I just wanna talk to her when she's not surrounded, which is what I usually do. I'm just worried she'll think I'm avoiding her. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like it's my fault or something, I hate saying that because I don't wanna seem conceited, but it's just the way I am. I'm so insecure about so many things, and she's one of the areas I'm most insecure in. Don't get me wrong, I'm ridiculously happy that she's dating the love of her life(even if she doesn't know it yet) and that she has her best friend back, but I feel like it's the same old thing again, I'm getting pushed out of the way for other people that are better than me, more worthy of having people love them. And I'm not saying that to get sympathy or whatever, it's just the way I feel. Period. I have no idea what the hell I'm feeling anymore! I'm so confused about just everything that I'm just... IDK! AHHH! Anyway, other than that. I just submitted an excerpt of my novel to a scholarship thing and I'm really excited to see if I win or not(winner's get their novel published!) I'm super excited, but I'm also REALLY relieved that it's over because I feel like I have a load off my shoulders now. BUT the only thing is I feel like my creativity has been stifled now because I had to write a whole outline of the book and I totally haven't finished it and so I had to basically "finish" it through the outline. It really sucks because now I can't write on a whim, I have to adhere to the outline, and it REALLY makes me mad. I'll post the outline so you guys can see it, but there really isn't anything that would give away the end or anything. The little numbers at the end apply to what date in the certain months it is. August • Welcome to Fairplay(16) • Where Everything and Everyone is Fair Play • Panic • Retrograde Amnesia • Somewhere I Belong(17) • Welcome To High School • The Accident September • The Breakup(1) • I Love You(Aug. 29) • Back to Us(16) • Racing Heart(Aug.20) • Big Event/Homecoming(16) • Dust Off Your Dark-Blue $100 True Religion Jeans and Your $90 Black Wrangler Boots and Follow Me, Please(24) • Everyone Needs A Little Hot Chocolate, Even If It IS Spiked With Peppermint Schnapps(25) • First-Hand Smoke(26) • Retreat(27-30) October • Areas of Gray(1) • Butterfly Kisses(8) • Wild Break(9) • Driving Rain(11) • Dare To Follow(13) • 3 Words, How Hard Can It Be?(16) • Blue Is Not A Flavor(19) • The Flickering Flame(25) • Time Flies When You’re Having Fun, So Clip Its Wings(28) • What The Walls Hear(31) • Hot, Hot Heat(31) November • After Tonight(4) • The Purity of Innocence(4) • Rogue [heart]s Kate • State Game/Accident(11-14)(Injured Freedoms/Fail with Honor) • ________ Surgery(16) • Introduction to Destruction(21) • A 7% Probability(22) • Thanksgiving Holiday(24-25) • Winds of Change(28) December • Regal(1) • Fallen From Favor(5) • Organized Betrayal(8) • Winter Comes Quietly(9) • No One’s Listening(10) • A Snowman Named Winston(11) • Listless Winter(12) • Is It Your Birthday?(13) • Angel’s Breathe(14) • Ghost Walk(14) • 18 Seconds(15) • Rain In December(16) • Snap Shot(18) • Cease Breathing(19) • The Tears of the Darkness(21) • Blurred Edges(22) • Ready, Set, Break!(23) • Becoming Numb(24) • Freeze Frame(25) January • 31,536,000 Seconds Left(1) • Graveyard(8) • Rain Like Hell(10) • Falling In Autumn(10) • Stolen Color(13) • Right Now(14) • In The Shelter Of Falling Leaves(18) • Falling From Grace(20) • Before You Leave(22) • A Full Step Back(23) • Final Breath(25) • Mirror Notes(26) February • Hell Hath No Fury(3) • Shadow Letters(5) • There Goes My Fear(8) • Nameless Fear(8) • Wishing Dust(8) • Life Like Glass(12) • In Between The Lines(14) • Diamonds of the Mind(16) • Whispers In A Heartbeat(18) • In The Shelter Of Falling Leaves(21) • Not A Dream(26) • Never End(27) March • The Quiet You Leave Behind(4) • Blonde In The Shadows((9) • Best Forgotten(11) • Spring Break(13-19) • Leaving Footprints(14) • Live Hard, Love Harder(20) • Simple Pleasures(23) • Evening Shadows(27) • Made to Be Broken(31) April • April Fool’s Day • Next To Heaven(3) • Fragile Paper Chains(5) • Radio Memories(16) • Black And White Rainbows(18) • The Intensity Of Peace(20) • As Sweet As A Lemon(24) • First Tears(30) May • Letting Go Control(2) • A Little Bit Weaker(4) • Something Borrowed, Something Blue(5) • Little Pieces(5) • I Owe My Life To You(6) • Summer Of Our Lives(8) • Love And Tears(11) • A Night In New York(12) • Last I Saw You(19) • In The End It’s You(20) That said, it's a little easier because now I know where it's going to stop and anything, but still, I hate it because I heard this song today called 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. It's the best song I've ever heard! BUT I wanna use this for somewhere in RLK, but I can't because of the stupid outline. UGH. Oh, and the outline could only be 2 pages, so it really sucks. Oh, and I'm SO excited that it's Spring Break. YES!!!!!!!!! Current Location: 9 Crimes Current Mood: blank Current Music: 9 Crimes - Damien Rice

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February 17th, 2008

01:55 pm - Season 5 Premiere of One Tree Hill... very belated post... WARNING! SPOILERS!!!!!!!!! Wow. Nathan is in a wheelchair, I can’t even begin to fathom how horrible that is. How horrible it is that The CW tricked us by showing us things that NEVER happen, well, they’re flashbacks, but still. It makes me sick to my stomach, it really does. I never wanted this four year jump to even happen, much less this. I feel like my life has been ripped away some how. I feel like we’ve all been lied to and cheated by this. I will certainly watch this season, but I know I’m not going to like it. At all. I’m pissed off in all entirety. Brooke is certainly faring well in this, though; I really enjoy watching her act well. I’m so glad she’s getting what she wanted in all of this. Although, with the evil witch whatever her name is that maybe Brooke isn’t getting what she wanted. Poor Brookey. Poor Peyton. Wow, watching all of the fast-forwards I knew she was going to be treated like shit, but wow, the guy saying the only way he would let her band be listened to is if she “drop[ped] a button on [her] top”, I felt bad for her through all of this. And even though Lucas has writer’s block, he still apparently has his book An Unkindness of Ravens, published, which is what everyone has been waiting to happen. While I’m happy that Luke and Peyton aren’t together, I’m really sad that Brooke and Luke aren’t. But he and his editor (Lindsey) are cute. Nathan just breaks my heart; I just can’t get over it. I’m glad that Brooke and Peyton are together again though, as like friends, because they’ve always been the rock of the show, at least in a way. I think Brooke and Lindsey running into each other was funny though, so, like college. Not that I’ve ever been to college. “I knew we weren’t meant to be.” Worst line I’ve ever heard. I mean, I how can the writer’s just forget EVERYTHING Brucas went through!? STUPID, STUPID CHAD! They’re probably only shutting the door on Brucas because of what STUPID CHAD did to poor Sophia. Jackass. “I’m Nathan Scott and I have too much to lose.” Wow. How profound. Gosh, no matter what happens, I will always love this show. It’s so amazing. It’s actually making me cry right now just seeing Nathan “derby racing” with Jamie. They’re so cute together and that little boy, wow, I love that kid. Jamie’s lines are always so well-placed, and even though he’s only 4, he’s so good. WHOA, The Evil One is Brooke’s MOM! WEIRD! Current Location: My chair Current Mood: shocked Current Music: This Is Our Town - We The Kings Tags: one tree hill

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January 20th, 2008

03:16 pm - Can I bum a cigarette? Can I bum a cigarette? Do you even know HOW to smoke? Can I bum a cigarette anyway? Why? Cause I figured now is the best time to learn, and you look like the best person to teach me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I love them! Best non-couple couple EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! They make my heart melt. lol SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE I can't wait for the really exciting things I have planned for them. They're the most amazing two people in the whole entire world...or at least in Fairplay. :) -sigh- If only he existed in really life. :) I WANT A RUMOR! I want one SO bad! You have to wait for my series to come out if you ever want to know what goes on in my head unless I want you to. Except if I make it too obvious. But I am DETERMINED not to let that happen this year. I RE.FREAKING.FUSE. to have my heart broken by a gorgeous jerk again. Not that he was ever a jerk, except for the end when I over-stayed my welcome. I refuse to let my heart be broken like that again.I refuse to spend my whole entire summer crying my eyes out over a boy that's already forgotten that I exist, which hurts like C-R-A-Z-Y let me tell you. But whatever, I'm not posting to talk about him. The real reason for this post is to ask those of you that pray, to please,PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for my grandpa. He has to have some kind of surgery, and my mom told my uncle that he could die. I don't know what's even going on because no one will tell me, but please pray for him because I'm scared. I hate being so emotional and scared. I hate the way that I can't just make myself emotionally distant. At least that's what I'm trying to do. I hate that I can be emotional, like full-on crying, sobbing, screaming, hyperventilating over TV characters, movies, or books, but as soon as something happens to my family members I can't handle it and I close up. I even get all emotional over people at school, like at football/soccer games when people get hurt I always start to cry, but the SECOND something happens to my family I can't deal with it. I'm mostly scared that I won't be able to deal with this at all - simply put I'm afraid I'm going to start cutting again to balance the emotions this is putting me through. I don't want to, I don't ever want to feel that weak again, but I also hate not being able to control my own pain. Also, I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to take Emily and Jenn and just go to the coast for the weekend, just us. That would be SO. MUCH. FUN. I want to go SO bad. Until next time I need you guys, Marisa P.S. Everyone check out "A Lifetime" by Better Than Ezra, they're amazing! Current Location: A Lifetime Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Better Than Ezra - A Lifetime

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December 22nd, 2007

01:03 pm - Merry Almost Christmas! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I'm now like wicked obsessed with writing Castin/Katie ficlets for RLK. Idk why. I guess it's just the Christmas spirit in me! Or the fact that I know what's coming for these two and I'm trying to pack in as much fluff and love and gooey mush into them as I can before... well, before IT happens in The Revolution. :) Dust Off Your Dark-Blue $100 True Religion Jeans and Your $90 Black Wrangler Boots and Follow Me, Please. [CastinxKatie] - Katie tries to teach Castin how to ride horses. Keyword: Tries - First-Hand Smoke. [CastinxKatie]- "Can I bum a cigarette?" "Do you even know HOW to smoke?" "Can I bum a cigarette?" - Castin teaches Katie how to smoke ;) - Everyone Needs A Little Hot Chocolate, Even If It IS Spiked With Peppermint Schnapps [CastinxKatie] - Castin and Katie have a conversation on Christmas morning - Seven Kisses. [CastinxKatie] Seven years later, a married Katie Durance thinks back on the seven kisses she and Castin West shared back in high school. -The 7 kisses were mostly instigated by HIM anyway!- FedEx Kid. [CastinxKatie] Castin and Katie talk about where he came from. "Maybe you're a FedEx kid?" [Tainted Perfection: The Revolution] At Your Grave. [CastinxKatie] Katie has a conversation with Castin at a grave. [Tainted Perfection: The Revolution] Wake Up. [KatiexIt'sASecret] Katie goes to someone for restitution, redemption, forgiveness. She hates herself for that night, and he knows it too. - song: Wake Up by Three Days Grace - [Tainted Perfection: Tainted Perfection] Think Twice. Castin kisses Katie at his 16th birthday party, but Danny has something to say about that. - song: Think Twice by Eve 6 - Current Location: In The Barn Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Stop and Stare - One Republic

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November 26th, 2007

05:55 pm - Bond of Brothers Wow, today... I don't even know what to say... something hit me today in Bible class when I was listening to Mr. Chadwick. He said, "You have to be a great follower to be a great leader." Now while I have always heard that, it didn't TRULY hit me until today what that meant to ME, or more specifically, the men around me. Three institutions at SACS high school have to be Chad, Will and Talan. These three men have been at SACS almost as long as I have (which is 12 years). They come with a presence that just DEMANDS respect, honor, love, and everything else. They are so charismatic that it blows my socks off; just listening to each of them talk can be the most spellbinding, captivating sound in the world, at least for me. Talan has this rich, rumbling tone that carries even when he doesn’t want it to. Will has more of a higher pitch, but it has a lot of bass to it because when he talks, he rumbles. Chad, oh Chad, listening to him always amuses me. His voice is high-pitched but you can still hear the richness and texture in his words. Above all, I can see these three doing AMAZING things with their lives wherever God leads them. And in all the years I've known them, they have always been best friends. To Will and Talan's hissy-fits in elementary school that made them rebellious legends, to the relationships I see that they have with each other now. It blows my mind to the point where I almost started crying at the football game when Will got sacked and Chad stayed by his side the whole rest of the game while he stayed on the sidelines. Their utmost respect and love for each other through everything in their lives is astounding, I don't think three people love each other more than these three do. They've been best friends for years longer than I probably even know. Aw, I just started crying, I'm such a sap. :) I'm having the hardest time putting into words what I feel for these three and what I see through them, I had the perfect things to say four hours ago and now I barely remember what that was. The deep respect and love I have for these three is something that no one else at SACS can claim. Though they're not the biggest fans of me, I will forever be singing their praises because, in my eyes, they will always be the "perfect" Godly men that I know they can be. From their days of singing “Onward Christian Soldier” and not being able to spell their own names, if it weren’t for these three, I don’t know where I would be in my life. They’ve been my constants for all these years, whether they knew it or not. They’ve always been there for me to lean on when I needed it (not that they’re aware of this) because simply being around them, in their presences, is enough to cheer me up. I don’t think I could ever find enough words to describe how much I love these three, and when we graduate they will be the hardest to leave because they have ALWAYS been there. ALWAYS. Every day since I was five (other than holidays/summer/weekends) they have been there. I think it’s going to be tremendously painful to leave them because I won’t have “my boys” to see everyday. In other ways, I can’t wait to see them break out of the SACS shell and truly become the men that they are destined to be. I, for one, am excited to see their transformations as men. Dang, I wish I could add this to RLK, it would make for a nice addiction (and boost my wordcount lol) Current Location: Bond of Brothers Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: Supposed To Be - Cary Brothers

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November 21st, 2007

10:51 pm - I Wish I Could Go Back, Remix It And Fix It Simple. I wish I could go back in time and change EVERYTHING. There are SO many things I screwed up, so many things that I did wrong that I would give the world to fix. And contrary to popular belief, it's not helping me grow, it's breaking me down each day until I just feel like I'm being suffocated and unjustly tortured for a crime I never meant to commit, nor do I know what it is. What brought about this random introspective rant of an introvert? Two things: In Loving Memory by Jamestown Story (formerly And Then I Turned Seven) and Castin West. I'm in that point in my writing of this novel that I've been waiting to hit for months, YEARS, technically. And I'm finding myself sitting here, listening to that song, and sobbing my eyes out. Not only because am I breaking a beloved characters back and other unforeseen TERRIBLE things, but I'm reliving one of the most horrible parts of my past through this book. I'm reliving the first time I cut my wrist(yes, just one. My left one for anyone that ever cared to know that), the first time I seriously contemplated suicide, and I am also reliving one of the VERY MANY moments that I was absolutely DEVASTATED by a guy(the ones in Elementary and Middle school don't count). It was a normal day, just like any other, my classes were the same, the same boring people talked to me during class and I, through the glassy eyes of a detached soul(oh wow, I get profound when I'm "drunk" off of sleep deprivation... so in short, I'm not really drunk at all). But at the same time, it wasn't. I was shaking, absolutely petrified with abject FEAR at knowing what the coming day would entail. I was having surgery in the morning. SURGERY! I haven't had surgery since I was in fourth grade and even then it was more of a "Do now or you WILL die" type thing than an "Okay we'll wait a few months and let you set the date" kind of thing. And I was SCARED. And no one really seemed to care(that I can remember anyway, although I'm pretty sure, given past history, no one did). Here I was, 15 years old(God, was it really THAT long ago?), having major surgery(at least as far as I was concerned) and none of my friends gave a flying scary-as-hell pancake that I was VERY terrified and concerned that I just might DIE on that operating table. That, and Anesthesia Awareness invaded my consciousness at every waking moment. After saying a last goodbye(for all I knew it would REALLY be my last) to all of my friends and went to sit by the cafeteria outside for my grandpa to pick me up. I may have been with a few other kids at that time, I don't quite remember. But I do remember one kid. Castin West. He had been in my Huddle Group at Retreat(Huddle 7 is STILL the best huddle out there), and I had spoken to him a few times in the halls. Let me make it clear first, that I DID *NOT* in *any* WAY, SHAPE, OR POSSIBLE FORM THAT GOD EVER CREATED like him before this day. If I had, I would freely admit it now, but I never did, I promise. I had the biggest crush ever on this one other new kid, but he left so whatever lol. I sat down and it was FREEZING, I was shivering. I was nervous, I hadn't talked to him in a while and he was popular by then, and they just don't talk to less popular people than them. That's just how it goes. Anyway. I sat down, it was freezing, overcast, and I was terrified that I was going to die tomorrow. I remember every moment of that conversation. Every terrifying thought running rampant through my head. Every feeling pulsing through my body. How my blood felt like fire in my veins and I subtly shook with fear... sorry, I'm getting all "authoress" on you guys. So anyway, I was scared. And there he was. And I admitted my fear and he calmed me down. He talked to me. For THIRTY MINUTES. That's not something you just throw away the week after. Is it? Well, he pulled it off so I guess so. The ONE thing that ALWAYS stuck out in my mind during our talk was this: "You'll be fine, I know you will." And he was right, I was fine. At least, until we started school again and I started wishing that I *HAD* died. I'm shy. Painfully shy. If you've gotten to know me you know that that doesn't last for long, but when I first meet someone I am VERY shy. I'm self-conscious, unsure of myself, and it's only been made worse by the 13 years of feeling like everyone that I hold so dear in my life, hates my guts. So, it was a big step for me to really approach Castin the day we got back to school after Break. Naive little me, expected a smile, a "hey", maybe a reference to our conversation a few days earlier, and if not any of those things, at LEAST(!) EYE CONTACT! But no, I got none of that. Not even a breath in my direction. NOTHING. At first, and still, even to this day, THREE YEARS LATER(to. the. day.) I can still remember the chill that went down my spine and the flood of regret and pain that hit me instantly. The sting of tears as I sprinted to the bathroom, desperate to stop the tears and a very painful sob that was about to rip out of my throat. It hurt. It made me dizzy. It killed me. I became numb. Numb and like a live wire all at the same time. Suddenly, every little thing that went wrong was building up. Every failing grade, every disapproving look by my goody-two-shoes friends, and by my teachers, set me on edge. Every whispered word about my new crush(which I *still* did not have, mind you), cut me up. So, Christmas Break comes around, with Finals and getting my cast off. FINALLY(by that time I had been in it since November 22 and it was already December 20th)!!! I sat in the cafeteria this time, waiting for my grandpa to pick me up, surrounded by Castin and all of his friends that ignored me. Which was... okay, I guess. Alright, I admit it, it still hurts me to this day, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I asked everyone to sign their names on it, even though I was getting it off because I wanted to feel like I was one of the characters in movies that were surrounded by tons of friends and people that loved her. Now by that time, everything with Castin, my imperfect grades, and everything else, had completely worn me down to the point where (as I said earlier) I was detached from life itself. Now, I know that may seem dramatic, but it was the truth. Can you remember freshman year? Did I ever look you directly in the eye? Did I ever do anything but blush, smile, and look away? Was there ever a time that I wasn't "day-dreaming"? Quite frankly, I was thinking about suicide. About pleasing the people around me that I knew would rather have me gone than exist with me for one more second. Castin, for instance (and a WHOLE host of others) would probably be OVER-JOYED and throw a PARTY (complete with cake and streamers) if I was dead. I still believe it, too, but now I'm more content with letting him suffer ;). By this time, I had been cutting my wrist, the better term would probably be "scratching" for I used anything from my fingernail to a safety pin to scissors to do the job. Never to bleed, but just enough to make the pain stop. After all, I'm *still* convinced that Physical trumps Emotional, although I would never do it again. Don't worry, I'm "clean" now. ;) :D So really, swallowing a little bottle of pills over the Christmas holidays wasn't going to really be a problem with me. The actual DYING part was, the knowledge that it would be over CHRISTMAS BREAK(not the CHRISTMAS factor so much as the BREAK factor) and that no one would really find out about it like I wanted(i.e. at school, all together). None of this "OMG! Did you hear about Marisa on the news?" or my personal fave "Yeah, so-and-so called me and told me" crap. I wanted to go out in style, in full "glory", I wanted everyone to find out at school, don't ask me NOW what I was thinking, because I really have NO idea. I *WASN'T* thinking. At all. I was romanticizing an event that wouldn't have been "romantic" at all. And when I say romantic I mean dark and haunting type romantic, not lovey-dovey. Lol My second problem was, I didn’t think – knew, rather – that anyone, especially not Castin West (whose attention I craved like an addict now) wouldn’t miss me. No one. Not a SINGLE ONE of the ninety-nine people in my grade were going to miss me. I knew that for a fact. My friends had become unbearably distant and (as I knew) talking about me behind my back like the catty people they used to be (I say *used to* because now I wouldn’t trade them for the WORLD, love you H. N. ;) ). So I wrote letters. Yes, letters. One-hundred and four to be exact. Telling them all, despite the fact that I knew none of them liked me, how much I loved them and how much I cherished them for everything we had been through in the last thirteen years(for those of them who’ve known me for that long). Thanking them for all of the things they had ever done for me. Apologizing to some, confessing things to others. And above all, asking questions. All of the questions that I had never gotten to ask, either from being too scared or knowing that it would run the rumor mill in five seconds flat before I ever got an answer. For some reason I envisioned everyone getting these at lunch, they’re sitting in white bin on the stage and one-by-one people are walking up to get them. Very few people are in tears. And more than half of them are planning the celebration that they will have in a few days. In my head I can see Castin West high-fiving some boy over the top of the cafeteria table, I think it might’ve been Wilson Vick, but I’m not sure. I can see Abigail Adams getting her letter, Buster Williams, Heather Negron, Cheston Goudge, Chris Overman, Trey Catalani, Briggs Webster and a ton of others stepping forward. All with dry eyes and ecstatic smiles on their faces. Day in and day out I saw this vision in my head, and sometimes when I woke up in a cold-sweat, these visions would play through my head and I would remember how it felt to be standing in that room with those people, not really there because I was dead, but hearing every word and feeling ever sting of their happy voices at my departure. So, where was I? (I fell asleep because of a headache) Oh yeah, the pain. Every time I see him now, Castin West, he will literally JUMP out of the way to avoid me in the hallway/wherever/anywhere. It used to REALLY hurt me, but now I just think it’s funny. Hilarious, actually. I like to watch him squirm. Because if he’s gonna be an asshole, the least I can do is make it fun for myself. J Don’t get me wrong, it hurts like hell and it makes me feel like crap, but I feel like if I *don’t* make the incident light-hearted, that it will just swallow me up and suffocate me. Plus, I don’t deal with stuff well, I tend to let it burn until I can’t take it anymore and that’s when I usually end up cutting. But I haven’t done that for months and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. ;) Today, it’s been exactly three years and nine hours since that conversation the day before my surgery. It’s amazing what emotions and feelings I’m still cling to, I feel like I can never let go of it all, even if the feelings I once had for Castin are gone now… Current Location: Reliving my past from three years ago Current Mood: sad Current Music: I Need You - Jamestown Story

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June 29th, 2007

03:26 pm - I'M SEVENTEEN!!! WOW! I can't believe I'm seventeen! Yesterday was my birthday, and I just have to say that I'm a swift kick in the ass for my doctors cuz I lived 17 years more than they thought I would! Woohoo! CORRUPTION IS MINE!!! lol Yesterday I woke up at like 6:30 b/c I had a dream that my contact was breaking apart in my eye and I was pulling out random parts of it in the bathroom mirror at school. So I woke up and my eye was hurting so I went to the bathroom to check it and it was completely fine so I guess I was just rubbing it a lot in my sleep. Hmnm... But then I couldn't go back to sleep and it started storming and I HATE thunderstorms and so I was up until 8:30. I FINALLY went to sleep only to have my mom come RUNNING into my room singing some ridiculous song and jumping up and down on my bed like a crazy person. I SO did NOT want to get up though omg I could've slept FOREVER! But unfortunately we had school. So no matter what I wanted we had to get out and brave the driving rain(it was flooding all over TX)so we finally get to school and what do I see? No math book! So we went all the way back home and I got on the comp all day. lol I WANTED to go to Culver's and get a Concrete Mixer and a Philly Cheesesteak from Charley's but they weren't open at 10:30 in the morning. :( I was supposed to go to The Melting Pot with Natalie, Emily, Grammie, mom, and Jenn. But we looked up the menu online and it was $78 per couple(cuz I guess it's just like a couple's restaurant). So we obviously didn't go. We went to Mama's Cafe instead and oh man do I love that place! Emily came over at 6:45 and then we headed to Mama's to wait for Nat and Jenn and Jay(her boyfriend/Fiancé). They've been dating for like 4 months. And he is THE PERFECT GUY! He's SO sweet and nice and funny and he loves horses and God and Jenn and oh man am I jealous. Not of Jenn b/c I like him, but b/c I want someone like him. lol But it was really nice to get to know him and talk to him about God and stuff. He's a really strong Christian so that's good. We were all at the table and apparently we were going around the table praying and saying nice things about me. lol And in the middle of someone(don't remember who)'s prayer my balloon tiara this creepy guy made me just POPPED out of nowhere! And Jay said "Well, we must have been saying some pretty powerful stuff". HE'S PERFECT! lol But enough about him. I got Road to Perdition, Man in the Moon(best movie EVER), Minority Report, The Rainmaker, and Catch Me If You Can from my mom, along with PJ's, and teeth whitening strips(LOL). All from mommy. Then from Emily I got $20 and from Nat I got a package of earrings that are really really pretty and then from Grammie a got a new wallet(even though I already had a perfectly good wallet that I love at home) and from Jenn and Jay I got... them kissing all night. lol Which was good enough for me b/c OMG SHIPPYNESS! lol Pa couldn't be there b/c he had a Liederkranz practice b/c their concert is on Sunday. But that's okay b/c now he can take me to The Melting Pot. :p OH! And the rain flooded our garage and came seeping into our utility room . lol it was so scary. All in all, I had a FANTASTIC day! And I still cannot believe I'm SEVENTEEN!!! Current Location: SEVENTEEN Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Unfaithful - Rihanna

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February 22nd, 2007

05:02 pm - [Baby Britain] feels the best... Josh McDowell was really cool. I had to hold the signs for diff. schools so they knew where to sit in the huge auditorium and so yeah, I had River City Christian and while I was holding the sign(And you better believe I said "FAIR HOURS! FAIR WAGES![/George]" about 1000 times. Everyone was like "MARISA SHUT UP!!!" But yeah, I was holding the sign and this guy came up and started talking to me and I was kinda like *backs away slowly* and anyway we talked for like 10 minutes about my surgery and then he told me about his hip surgery and all that and then he left so yeah. Guess who it was? JOSH MCDOWELL!!!! lol And then I had to walk in front of the stage to get to my seat, in front of like, 600+ students and I was hoping no one would notice. Yeah right! Josh goes "There ya go girl" and everyone started laughing and I just crossed my arms and ran the rest of the way to my seat. lol He's written 108 books, one he wrote in 48 hours on 12 legal pads. lol First session he talked about his testimony, 2nd he talked about how to prove the Bible was real, and 3rd.... oh dear.... *blush* .... We talked about sex. *covers eyes* But GAH! That morning idk what the heck was wrong with my contact in my left eye, it was bothering me SO BAD! So, the whole time in JMCD I had tears :stream: down the left side of my face! lol And one time he went near us to ask a question to a girl and Kyle was like "MARISA WE'RE ON THE SCREEN!" and I looked up and sure enough there I was wiping my eyes and sniffling like crazy on the screen for everyone to see. I hope they didn't think I was crying! The O.C. is ending tonight, so I'm planning to cry... alot... Current Location: Between The Bars Current Mood: blank Current Music: Baby Britain - Elliott Smith

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December 16th, 2006

09:18 pm - Pouring out all my thanks and graditude to the most amazing people I've never met! To ze Shooners: I CANNOT BELIEVE how OVERWHELMINGLY AMAZINGLY SUPPORTIVE you guys have all been. I mean, you guys have been so amazing through all of this and everything else I've been through, especially at the beginning of the year when I was at rock bottom. You guys have been so much more loyal, faithful, supportive, caring, concerned, loving and anything else REAL FRIENDS should be than ANYONE in my life EVER has been, and I thank all of you guys so much. Without y'all I literally would not have made it this far. Y'all have kept me going and perservering when I was dragging my feet. You guys are my life and have never forsaken me and I love y'all SO MUCH for that. I know words can never express how grateful I am to you guys I just hope that one day y'all can all understand the depth of my thanks and adoration. Wow, long speech. NOW HOW 'BOUT THAT SHOONION!!! (to those of you who ARE Shooners)(Yeah, I can't WAIT for that day.[/Shannon]) Current Location: HAPPY!!! Current Mood: thankful Current Music: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

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